I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
