ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
