i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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