I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
