okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
