youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
