Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's blow job season.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
