Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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