So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
