all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
