I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
