Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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