When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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