Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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