i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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