Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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