I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
