Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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