she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
