My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
