Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
