OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
