I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize