Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
