Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My ass is underappreciated
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
