He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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