i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
what day is it and did you see me today?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
