Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
