When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
