I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
