Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
