Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
