it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
