gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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