Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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