Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
