She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
