It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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