So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
