I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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