Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
