Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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