I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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