Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
