don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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