Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
