Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
