the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize