I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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