My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
