She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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