She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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