I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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