We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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