I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
