i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
