It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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